And ..... scene (with appropriate hand gesture).

Ok, so .. drama over, more or less (sometimes more, sometimes less - on a minute by minute basis, lol). I am still feeling a bit monosyllabic and shruggy - hey, that's an emotional description if I say so, lol - but also feeling a bit better.

As some of you know I let the parental units in on this blog thing awhile back, and when I did I edited old posts and censored myself for new ones. And for the record (because, despite their offer to quit reading it, I have not asked them to, yet) that does NOT mean that this blog used to consist of: I HATE MY PARENTS, I HATE MY PARENTS, and some days I REALLY HATE MY PARENTS! I believe there might have been a couple references in the vein of: if my father leaves one more coffee ring on the counter I will be forced to ring his neck, and if my mother doesn't learn to take a breath between paragraphs my head is going to explode - but that was about it for 'bad-mouthing'.

No, the only real reason for de-clawing this blog was that there is just a ton of crap my parents don't know about me, and I've always been pretty sure that's best. I mean, come on - did/do your parents REALLY know a lot about who you are as an adult?

Yes - these are people who know that when I was a child I could not pronounce complicated words like 'hot dog' and 'drink' (my unique takes were: "sha-sha" and "grinkerie" respectively), and that I used to call Donny and Marie - Donny and 'Bree' (because apparently Marie is also complicated at 3 or 4), and some days I get the distinct feeling that that is STILL what they see when they look at me - but they don't know certain crucial things.

They don't know half the crap that went on when I was a kid when they weren't around, they don't have a clue about the real ending of my 'accidental engagement', and they know nothing about the really messed up and self-destructive things I do to handle my stress. And if they read that - and if they know what's good for them - they will never ask me to explain that sentence.

Keeping them out of the loop like this has been my choice, my doing ... and my fault - not theirs. And I still think it's better this way - but it has had it's price. The therapy aspect of 3amtherapy has been missing for me for quite awhile (not that public therapy was actually the original intention of this blog, it was more a reference to writing in general - which has always been my preferred form of therapy - at any time of the day or night). But letting them in on the blog, and continuing to believe that parents are like mushrooms - best kept in the dark - meant taking a lot off the list of what I could talk about, which I had come to think of as a massive mistake on my part.

But, there's apparently a perk - an upside, if you will - my father read my last blog post and instigated a 'talk' - and for the record, IMHO, 'we need to talk' is one of the scariest phrases in all of the English language. But it wasn't bad - my dad asked what he could do to help, and I shrugged and mumbled a bit (and tried not to cry like a idiot) in reply, and somehow out of that - he's agreed to totally take over dish washing! I am deeply grateful - more for the unanticipated spark of concern than the having one less chore thing - though, of course the one less chore thing is WAY COOL too!! :)

But I still have a slightly rumbley grey cloud over my head - but since it's all my own internal mess there's nothing anyone else can do to help me out with this one. I need to make some changes - in ME, and in MY life ... change 1 being that I need to actually start thinking and acting like this is MY life. I need to make room and time, and give myself permission, to do the things that matter most to me - the things that actually make me happy (and there actually are a handfull of things that do that - believe it or not, lol).

A very dear friend is always telling me that I need to get out of the house more, and mix with other people more. And he's totally right about that! But I also need some REAL alone time too - and not the kind where I can be reached by an intercom. I need to get out of the house - preferably every day - and I need to have time to write, to work on school stuff, or even just to sit and THINK.

In short, what I have figured out in the last couple days of sulking is the following:

- I am NOT a fundamentally social person - I don't dislike people - but I need some down time from them (all of them) to repair myself (even if these other people are my parents - or quite possibly especially if they are ... no offense).

- I am exhausted - but not as much from what I do around here as from what I am not getting done. A poisonous cloud of shoulds, and a litany of things I want to do but don't, are always grating on my nerves - and the constant drip of them has driven me over the edge. I need to make "the more I do, the better I feel" my new mantra .. and then let go of what I don't get done! Tomorrow is another day, after all :)

- I need to do what brings me joy and what feeds my soul. And I need to learn to tell EVERYONE in my life (including me) to bite me if they can't accommodate that.

- I need to make a schedule and stick to it, and make other people (like my mother - who is a bit intercom-happy) respect it. The new rule around here will need to be: just because I'm home/alive doesn't mean I'm available.

- And last, but not least .. vitamin b-6 is my new BFF! ;)

I am still working on how to implement all this new knowledge, but so far I've come up with a few good ideas, and that makes me feel a little better too :)

So, for the time being, I am not throwing in the towel here - I'm just regrouping a bit.

PS to Tigger: don't panic about all my talk of 'alone time' - I still plan to get into the local quilting classes and the photography club - I am NOT planning on becoming a hermit! ;)


Pacian said...

A good definition of the distinction between an introvert and an extrovert that I heard was that an extrovert gets energy from being people, while an introvert feels drained by socialising. Not sure how psychologically valid that is, but I definitely fall in the latter category.

Good luck with your 'me' time. :-)

LuluBunny said...

Thanks for the Good Luck :)

And apparently, I am a textbook introvert - not sure if that warrants a smiley-face or a frownie one, lol!

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