Ok, so I just read a post on La Yen’s blog that caused great giggling and utter shock (at children in general, and the things that come out of their mouths).

Go HERE and read it and then come back.

It caused me to muse (ever so briefly) on what I would have done in her shoes. The answer is: I have no freakin’ idea, but I know step one would have been to try to pick my jaw up off the floor.

But here is what the thought process lead to … my short list of why I should probably opt out of ever becoming a mommy (aka: why it’s a good thing I never got knocked up, or bought me one of them thar fancy foreign Jolie-Pitt babies – that’s a brand right? Jolie-Pitt? Like Cabbage Patch Dolls - only more expensive.)

BTW, keep in mind this was composed under the influence of extreme heat and humidity, slight sleep deprivation (see the aforementioned heat and humidity), and PMS followed by Intervention-level-Midol-abuse:

1) I enjoy being completely selfish and feel I don’t get to do it enough as it is, so why should I add another thing above me on the list of priorities? BTW, I think any woman who can make a statement like this should either seek immediate sterilization, or is completely normal - I have yet to decide which. I am, however, considering creating an opinion poll - only problem being that the folks from Zogby won’t return my calls about it.

2) I can handle blood/guts, changing diapers, and other sundry disgusting things – but I have no stomach for boogers or vomit (and children seem to be veritable factories of both). BTW, baby spit-up doesn’t count as vomit for purposes of this diatribe – it’s got a cute name, and looks similar enough coming up as it did going down to keep me from wanting to join in.

3) I am, apparently, now too old to be patient – I think I ran out by the time I was about 27. I’m assuming that, in some way, correlates to the unpleasant fact that women (supposedly) reach peak fertility at 27, and it’s all down hill from there. If I’d become someone’s mom at say 23, I think I might have had the patience to, for example, refrain from swearing .. now .. I’m not so sure about that. My kid’s first words would likely involve the calling of the nearest uncooperative inanimate object a “little bastard”. Somehow I think that disqualifies me as potential Mommy of the Year, no?

4) As a sort of addendum to number 3 – I cannot tolerate whining, excessive pleading, or temper tantrums. I wasn’t allowed to do it – and I don't see why anyone else should be (yes, I am THAT bitter about my childhood, lol). I now find myself shooting dirty looks at obnoxious children in the store. I could always be wrong, but I suspect that when you can barely tolerate other people’s kids it probably isn’t a sign you should go try to have 10 of your own.

5) Babies are cute and everything – but they eventually become teenagers. I know it’s cliché, but I honestly hate teenagers – really, I do – even when I was one I hated them. Why would I want to be forced by law, and general moral consensus, to feed and clothe such horrible creatures? Especially when they will only hate me for it, at least until they’re like 30.

6) I have always been terrified of the whole childbirth thing. I promised myself a LONG time ago that the word episiotomy would never exist in my universe. Words like: “elective C-section”, and preferably “water birth” are the acceptable phrases when it comes to childbirth in my realm – thus the Queen has spoken ... all hail anesthesia and/or Hypnobirth! I also have no interest in ever “bonding through breastfeeding” – which I’m sure is a clear sign that I have NO maternal instinct whatsoever (either that, or I just feel really strongly that God invented breast pumps/formula and the Playtex Nurser so that women shouldn't hog all the cute baby time …. and be the only ones getting up at 3 am! Po-tay-to, po-tah-to - whatever.).

7) I have stopped listening to the radio for new music. I have stopped caring about new music (unless it’s from an artist I already like). If I listen to someone new it’s only because they’re on David Letterman or Craig Ferguson, because I heard them on MySpace, because I heard the song in a tv commercial, or because a friend recommended it – that’s it. Kids always force parents to learn new music .. and I’m just not ready for that – my brain cells are already occupied – I am done (they can come measure me for the shroud now). I am also proud to say I have never seen an episode of Hannah Montana (see no reason to ever change that), and cannot manage to care about people like The Jonas Brothers, Ashlee Simpson, Jamie Lynn Spears, Ali Lohan – or really anyone under say, 21. I only know they exist because they insist on mentioning them on the preciously trashy TMZ show (in between the wit and wisdom of Prince Von A-hole). BTW, it’s a little-known scientific fact that no one under 30 is even vaguely cool.

8) I am not married (not even close), and am not really holding my breath for it. And since I’m too old-fashioned to want a baby-daddy or a sperm bank baby (or to ‘steal’ a kid that could have gone to a happily married couple dying to adopt) that kinda rules out the whole single parent thing. However, as I type this I am realizing that if I got a baby-daddy I could go on Maury - and that alone almost makes it a good idea! ;)

9) I honestly think I could be perfectly happy having dogs, or using writing/filmmaking to take the place of kids in my life – and that’s a scary thought in that if you can replace something you probably don’t really need it. But then I don’t know .. maybe a person isn’t supposed to NEED kids to begin with. Maybe that’s the wrong approach altogether, and I’m actually sporting a perfectly healthy attitude … though I wouldn’t bet on it – healthy attitudes ain’t what I’m famous for ;)

10) I would obviously be a REALLY bad mother since I can’t even make a list that’s actually ten items long. I bulk up my lists with glib/sarcastic filler - like the meat-byproducts in a hotdog – and I am rightly ashamed of myself. And it’s probably a very Martha Stewart-like ‘good thing’ that I have not passed this faulty list making gene onto another generation. So say we all?

BTW, this list makes me feel ever so slightly like Andy Rooney … but WAY hotter, of course!


b. said...

You are seriously funny Lu.
Nice list!

La Yen said...

90% of this is me. And yet...

And I didn't get Jooj until I was almost 28.

LuluBunny said...

b. - I try - and yet I am tragically serious about most of it, lol :)
Thanks :)

Yen - Yeah, this is me 90% of the time, but then there is the other 10% ... :) And despite the arrival of motherhood into your life at the "advanced age" of 28-ish (says the 32 and 1/2 year old unmarried and unpregnant me, lol) you do seem to have reached into your reserves of patience and dredged up enough for the task at hand. So, perhaps there is still hope for those of us who roll our eyes at toddlers that pitch hissy fits over gum.

BTW, In my book, you're definitely both up for mother of the year!

Putz said...

thanks for your lamitations on arbs...i really so do suffer in this small berg

52 Faces said...

Woah...are you my twin?

Yeah, my first reason for not wanting children is that...I hate children. lol

btw I got so addicted to that candybar doll maker after seeing yours - I'm going to blog about it in the next day or so!

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