I'm So Squirrelly

I was feeling strangely restless and all hepped-up for no other reason than the fact that my circadian rhythm got out of whack. And I decided to fiddle with my websites (well, not the one for the 'day job' since everything will change when I move -- which is supposed to happen soon!), but anyway I decided to make a site to sort of hold my writing in one spot.

What I had before (and still have) is a sort of placeholder page on a self-publishing site -- a blank monstrosity that can only be viewed as an admonition for not writing faster. I am about half way through the number of poems I need, and more than halfway done with the FSTM script -- but in the interim between now and having actual printed items ready, I had nothing to really show for my efforts.

So, I decided that I'd put some stuff up online -- which I played with all night (because I wasn't sleepy and had nothing better to do on a Friday night -- pathetic, no?). I also decided that this year is going to be the year that I actually do the NaNoWriMo thing I have promised myself I would do for the last couple years -- so I made room for that upcoming fiasco on the site as well. And it's a cute little site IMHO, especially considering it's free!! But here's the interesting thing .....

I spent a large chunk of the early hours of this morning, repeatedly adding and removing a link to this blog in the nav bar of the site. I just couldn't decide whether or not to link the two things like that. And the weird part is that I have a link on this blog to the site, but I didn't want to put a link on the site to the blog. It just felt really uncomfortable. I'm not entirely sure what that's all about, psychologically -- but I'm pretty sure it's not good.

I guess, in my head, there's something that says -- If you know me, you can read my writing (if you feel like it) -- but if you read my writing first, I don't want you to know anything about me or my life. It's some kind of strange desire to have a wall between what I write and my actual life. And I sort of think that might not be a healthy policy. I suspect that it betrays a lack of comfort with either my writing, or myself. Or maybe it doesn't -- maybe it just means I'm private, LOL :)

I've gotten it through my thick head in the last decade that one must own one's writing. That even if it's the only thing in life you can manage to not be ashamed of, you have to manage it somehow. And that's been an unbelievably big thing for me to learn because my greatest desire was always to be very Emily Dickinson with my writing. They (whoever 'they' are), were simply supposed to find a stunning stockpile of writing when I died. That way I would never have to actually say -- yes, that came from me. So, just getting to a point where I'm comfortable with the idea of affixing my name to something, is huge for me.

But apparently I have issues with owning my life -- or at least with admitting my life to anyone who would stumble upon it through my other forms of online butchery of the English language. And I'm really bugged by that since I can't figure out what it means. I generally dislike admitting psychologically revealing things about myself -- but it's a thousand time worse when you're not sure what you're revealing, LOL. But being a big believer in the idea that things that make me uncomfortable are probably just indications of ways I need to grow (which is to say, directions I should push myself), I went ahead and left the link to the blog intact.

I am so crazy sometimes!

Here's the site (if you care).

3 comments:

Nicole said...

how funny! I decided last night to do the NaNoWriMo this year too.

Nicole said...

Ok. . . I am sad. I just remebered that I mentioned it in an earlier comment to you.

Is 36 too young for senelity?

LuluBunny said...

LOL, yes 36 is MUCH too young for that! In our decade of life, little lapses like that are ALWAYS attributable to such solid excuses as: stress, lack of sleep, or preoccupation with one's love life -- but NEVER that awful 's' word :)

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